Crucial Conversations
Crucial Conversations:
Has our political environment erased these all important interactions? March 10, 2019
I read a post today that a friend from high school posted on
another friend’s Facebook thread. It saddened me a bit. The recent publication in the New York Times, by Arthur C Brooks (March 2, 2019) was in reaction to a hot debate of our current political issues and had roused high emotion.
As I clicked into the link reading Brooks' opinions, I was a bit taken aback with the statistics that one sixth of our county has stopped "talking to a family member or close friend because of the 2016 election". I have personally seen this happen first hand, so many times, and yet it still caught me off guard. One in six!
Can we not learn to debate these crucial conversations without vilifying the opposite thought, or individual? I get it, there are some fiery opinions out there, and both sides feel they are correct. I will even admit, when I first became em-blazed with the 2016 election, I was sure my candidate would win. There was no way that America was going to vote in a television media with no history of political office.
He, would never make political office with the blazon, divisive, and misogynistic statements he was making. I was sure everyone could see through him and it would never happen. And then, within a few weeks of election, I changed my thought, I saw for the first time, my candidate was not going to make it. I feared the worse.
However, I will preface this all with the fact that this is my viewpoint, my opinion, and a biased one based on my life experiences.
Yes, we frame our opinions, thoughts and practices on behavior, learned behavior. Our opinions and perceptions are ours, made up from our personal experiences. Sometimes, we don’t even quite recognize the reason for our actions or behaviors. And these actions and behaviors, although they are our behaviors, are learned, carried on and possibly terribly and for decades.
Our beloved behaviors can be influenced in ways we don’t even recognize and therefore can be completely blind to. Ferguson and Bargh (January, 2014) from the Departments of Psychology, at Cornell University and Yale University, explain how experimental social psychology research has found that people’s behaviors can possibly be influenced, unaware to us, and then activated in our memory during social perception.
In laymen’s terms, it was found how one can ‘go beyond the information given’ to form their perceptions and then act upon that perception, good or bad. Ferguson and Bargh found that simply through reading or imagining events, actions can be carried out completely unrelated to situations. Wow, is that actually true?
How many times have you witnessed this played out on social media with colleagues or friends and even in today’s workplace and families or friends. A co-worker is blamed for an outcome that was completely unintentional, a family member says something to another that sets off a family feud or silences for months or years, or a Facebook friend is unfriended due to political disagreement.
Where did the times go for crucial conversations and dialogue? I personally loved those days in undergrad and even grad school, when we hotly debated the issues, spoke both sides and then went away with possibly a bit more knowledge. We expanded our awareness! What a concept. Sometimes opinions were changed, though rarely, but minds were expanded.
I had a classmate in undergrad who feverishly was of a more conservative opinion and belief, I more of a liberal. Although, we both had a social service mind – both in the Human Service program together. As the years unfolded, we became fast and furious friends. His wife would just smile and laugh at us as we sat at his dining table, hotly debated a subject, usually over a bottle of great wine, and then he baked home-made delish pizzas, spaghetti or whatever, for me and we ate, dined, and debated some more. Those are the days I miss in today’s atmosphere.
Where did those crucial conversing skills go to with the recent election? Yes, I believe that the political environment is at an all time low, and as our New York Times’ author, Brooks, tells us, “Political scientists have found that our nation is more polarized than it has been at any time since the Civil War. One in six Americans has stopped talking to a family member or close friend because of the 2016 election. Millions of people organize their social lives and their news exposure along ideological lines to avoid people with opposing viewpoints.”
And in addition, the astonishing statement that Brooks declares that “researchers found that the average Republican and the average Democrat today suffer from a level of motive attribution asymmetry that is comparable with that of Palestinians and Israelis. Each side thinks it is driven by benevolence, while the other is evil and motivated by hatred — and is therefore an enemy with whom one cannot negotiate or compromise” (Brooks, 2019).
Tell me, where did human civility go that can provide more than one perception and opinion? As a coach, mentor, and a professor, I work with individuals on learning crucial conversation skills, ways to see another’s opinion, lead with compassion, and create opportunity to grow into leadership, rather than diminish and belittle your staff, classmate or colleague.
I teach for Western Washington University in the Human Services program, my alma mater, in that same style; often providing teachings from leaders such as Jeff Weiner of LinkedIn, or Brene Brown, among others. If I can help but one individual to see and understand another’s perceptions and beliefs for what they are, the same or different from their own, then I have begun a ripple that can change the air throughout my community. Then, I have made a difference and become the change agent I strive to be.
Here are some great steps from my well-read book: Crucial Conversations (Patterson, Kerry. (Eds.) and my undergrad days, try this 7-step process. I have read this book, lent it out a few times, and still have it on my library shelves at home.
Start with heart. Ask yourself what you really want and what’s at stake. Is never talking to your family member again worth a political feud?
Learn to look. Always be asking yourself whether the conversation is defensive or a dialogue. If you or the other party strays into defensiveness, simply say “I think we’ve moved away from dialogue” or “I’m sorry, I’ve been trying to force my ideas on you.” How many times have you held the best of you inside, just to prove your point?
Make it safe. Another way to deal with defensiveness in difficult conversations is to create a comfortable situation by apologizing, asking a question that shows interest in others’ views or even taking a time out. Be open minded, allow space in your thoughts to hear your friends thoughts.
Master your story. Focus on what happened that made you feel a certain way. Think through your emotions and then choose the appropriate way to respond. As I mentioned above, our biases can cloud our perceptions – try to see how your viewpoint may be clouded or biased. This isn’t easy to do, but well worth the trial.
State your path. Share your facts and conclusions so that the other party can see where you are coming from. If you can calmly share your thoughts, maybe your friend, colleague or loved one will also see their biases and hear your voice.
Explore others’ paths. Find out what the other person is thinking. Make sure that you understand each other and look for areas of agreement. It can be a great practice to reiterate back what you heard. By doing this, you may actually understand that what you thought you heard and are repeating back is not what they said. Or how they said it, may be recognized by them, not what they intended to say.
Move to action. Come to a consensus about what will happen. Document who will do what by when and settle on a way to follow up. This isn’t always a common practice on social media, but a great practice in your workplace. It holds you and others accountable.
As you go out into your work, family life, personal life today and tomorrow, consider hearing another voice for what it is. Give time to the space in which you sit, with a friend, colleague, loved one, client, or customer, choosing to hear and understand another simply for your and their love of humanity. You don’t have to change your opinion, belief, or political party – simply hear and be heard in a common space for good.
It is unlikely that we will change another’s political party or even which candidate they are supporting, but together we can become one nation again, and work toward the good for more, rather than the divisiveness for all. Think about it. Be the change you can be!
Heather Giron Fritts Consultant, Mentor, and Professor HGF Consulting, Western Washington University
References:
Brooks, A.C. (March 2, 2019). Opinion our culture of contempt: the problem in America today is not incivility or intolerance. It’s something far worse. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/02/opinion/sunday/political-polarization.html?fbclid=IwAR2AMrFSJL6SC0Bw7pOBPpGpzqH8nrMUDDa2OX4vA9NcZuKXFbUnlzjMJPU
Melissa J. Ferguson, M.L, Bargh, J.A. (January, 2004). How social perception can automatically influence behavior. Trends in Cognitive Sciences Vol.8 No.1 January 2004. Retrieved from http://www.elaborer.org/psy1045d/cours/FergusonBargh(2004).pdf
Patterson, K. (Eds.) (2012) Crucial conversations: tools for talking when stakes are high New York : McGraw-Hill